【實戰演練】從批改範文學大考英文作文技巧：看圖寫作這樣寫更高分

前言

在大考作文的看圖作文題型中，我們可以使用「故事背景設置」這個技巧，在描寫第一張圖之前，就先設定好整個故事的背景，前情提要、介紹登場角色和營造氣氛，讓故事讀起來更順暢完整。上次已經講解過這個技巧，今天就要和大家一起讀讀外師對同學作文的批改，觀摩學習，印象更深刻！ 

這次挑選出來的批改範文，都出自我們在 11/26 的IG 貼文活動，熱情回饋的同學認真書寫、私訊給我們的作文。 

之後我們也會繼續推出「作文批改方案」的體驗機會，想要獲得專業中外師詳細作文回饋，或是對寫作課有興趣的同學，都歡迎踴躍參加，讓我們一起逐步培養英文寫作實力！ 

批改練習題目簡介 

這次請大家練習的題目是我們寫作課 Unit 1: 看圖寫作 Chapter 2 背景設置 (Setting the Scene) 的短篇作業，原版是 106 年學測英文非選題，但因為這一課的練習重點是「背景設置」，所以只請同學將重點擺在第一張圖，在 80-120字內，描述第一張圖的故事背景與內容。 

而這位同學的範文如下： 

It was a sunny and beautiful day, and we woke up early. Dad and Mom announced that we were going to the amusement park since they received 3 tickets from their colleague. I was thrilled because it had been such a long time since we last went on a trip that I almost forgot how it felt to play around in an amusement park. As Mom and I were helping pack the luggage, Dad sang a song that he made up on his own, and we happily set out on our feet. 

下面外師將會逐句批改，給同學修改建議。大家可以先在這裡停留一會兒，閱讀之後試著分析看看，這篇範文的優缺點分別是甚麼？自己想過之後再對照外師建議，這樣記憶也會更深刻喔！

看看老師怎麼說

LinguaTerra 獨創「三道批改寫作教練」模式，中外師團隊不僅會逐句為同學講評，更會附上豐富的建議和詳細批閱，絕對讓同學收穫滿滿！下圖就是我們的「逐字逐句批改 (line editing) 」示例，同學們可以觀察老師修改的單字位置、時態、子句等等，直觀了解更道地的英文作文寫法！

It was a *beautiful, sunny a̶̶n̶̶d̶̶ ̶̶b̶̶e̶̶a̶̶u̶̶t̶̶i̶̶f̶̶u̶̶l̶̶ day,  ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶k̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶.̶  *and my family had woken up early. Dad and Mom announced that we were going to the amusement park since they received 3 tickets from their colleague. I was thrilled because it had been such a long time since we last went on a trip. t̶h̶a̶t̶ I had almost forgotten how it felt to play a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ in an amusement park. As Mom and I w̶e̶r̶e̶ helpedi̶n̶g̶ pack the luggage, Dad s̶a̶n̶g̶ was singing a song that he had made up on his own,̶. After we finished packing, a̶n̶d̶ we happily set out on o̶u̶r̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶t̶ *the raod. 

第二道程序就是「段落回饋 (side-bar editing)」，老師會用註解功能，詳細說明修改原因，讓同學理解問題所在，擺脫死記硬背，真正將知識點內化吸收。 

下面我們就來看看老師給的三個註釋吧！ 

*附註一：

It was a sunny and beautiful day. 👉🏻 It was a beautiful, sunny day.  

⭐️ 外師怎麼說：

The adjectives should be rearranged here. Typically, adjectives that describe opinions come before adjectives that describe facts. 

⭐️ 中師重點濃縮： 

英文的形容詞也有次序前後之分，一般來說，說明主觀意識的形容詞（美好的），要擺在敘述客觀事實的形容詞（晴朗的）前面。 

*附註二：

…, and we woke up early. 👉🏻 …and my family had woken up early. 

⭐️ 外師怎麼說：

It's better to use a more specific noun here. Since your readers won't know who you mean by "we," you can use "My family" or "My parents and I" to introduce your story's characters. 

⭐️ 中師重點濃縮： 

在寫作文的時候，同學可以盡量使用更明確的名詞，讓讀者更了解你在描述誰或甚麼東西。尤其這一段是故事開頭，我們更要直接點名登場角色，才能讓讀者快速進入狀況喔！ 

*附註三：

….we happily set out on our feet. 👉🏻 … we happily set out on the road. 

⭐️ 外師怎麼說：

The phrase "set out on our feet" doesn't make sense, nor is it a common colloquialism. It would be better to use something more common like "on the road" or perhaps to mention the destination itself. For example, "we happily set out to the amusement park."

⭐️ 中師重點濃縮： 

"set out on our feet" 這個片語，不僅不是常見的動詞片語搭配，語意也不通。其實，同學不必特別追求文采，想要使用大量不確定的片語或難字，語意通暢才是最重要的！這裡我們可以直接用 "on the road" 這個片語，或是直接寫明地點就好。 例如，我們可以把它改寫成 "we happily set out to the amusement park." ，也是自然又流暢的句子喔！ 

原作

批改結果

It was a sunny and beautiful day, and we woke up early. Dad and Mom announced that we were going to the amusement park since they received 3 tickets from their colleague. I was thrilled because it had been such a long time since we last went on a trip that I almost forgot how it felt to play around in an amusement park. As Mom and I were helping pack the luggage, Dad sang a song that he made up on his own, and we happily set out on our feet. 

It was a beautiful, sunny day and my family had woken up early. Dad and Mom announced that we were going to the amusement park since they received 3 tickets from their colleague. I was thrilled because it had been such a long time since we last went on a trip. I had almost forgotten how it felt to play in an amusement park. As Mom and I helped pack the luggage, Dad was singing a song that he had made up on his own. After we finished packing, we happily set out on the road. 

原作和批改的差異以紅字顯示

最後，老師還會給同學的作品一個整體評價：(原作 V.S. 批改結果)

⭐️ 外師怎麼說：

Your writing includes a lot of great details that enrich your story. These details help illustrate how your characters feel and make your story more meaningful and interesting. When compiling your story, however, make sure to pay attention to word order and how you phrase your sentences. This will guide your readers through your story more smoothly. You can also do this by including transitions. 

⭐️ 中師重點濃縮： 

這篇作文有很多細節，描述角色的感受，讓故事更有趣豐富，也讓故事變得更有意義。但是，在寫作的時候，可以再更注意詞序（像是形容詞的先後順序）以及搭配詞和片語 (phrase) 的使用，有時候，閱讀會因此稍微卡住。另外，以後在寫故事時，也可以再多用一些過渡詞 (transitions) ，標示出句子的邏輯關係，這也能讓讀者閱讀更順暢喔！ 

中師來補充 

Sophia 老師也想在這篇文章中，特別提出 2 個重點，幫助同學英文寫作更進步： 

1. 過去式 (過去進行式) > 過去完成式 

在看圖寫作中，我們會用簡單過去式或過去進行式敘述故事（因為已經發生了），因此，如果我們想要特別說明某件事又發生在故事之前，就要使用過去完成式。

所以，外師才會把一些過去式 （過去進行式） 的句子，改成過去完成式：

(1) …we woke up early 👉🏻 my family had woken up early

(2) … Dad was singing a song that he made up… 👉🏻 Dad was singing a song that he had made up… 

2. 過去式和過去進行式差在哪裡？ 

(1) 過去式：說明過去發生的事情（靜態）

(2) 過去進行式：正在發生，或持續發生一段時間的事（動態）

例如：

As Mom and I were helping pack the luggage, Dad sang a song that he made up… 👉🏻 

As Mom and I helped pack the luggage, Dad was singing a song that he had made up… 

🌟 作文批改加購方案，三道工法助你英文寫作能力大升級 

在《一次就學好 進階英文寫作力: 初階變高手》的課程中，加購批改方案的同學，可以從影片課程、學習單作業或課後練習題中，自由挑選喜歡的作文題目練習，再寄給老師，獲得中外師團隊的三道中英文雙語批改，透過個人專屬的完整作文回饋，了解個人優勢與弱項，逐漸改善弱點。而經過練習、回饋、訂正的循環，英文寫作能力也就更能高效提升囉！ 

1. 批改方案有以下三種：
2. 主題式寫作 (50-80 字) 
3. 段落寫作 (120-160 字) 
4. 文章寫作 (240-320 字) 

依照加購方案類型，同學可以繳交的篇數也不同，不過，現在購買正課《一次就學好 進階英文寫作力: 初階變高手》，就免費贈送一篇文章寫作批改服務，正好是學測作文的長度。 

同學可以先聽影片課程、寫學習單，再選擇一個喜歡的文章寫作題目撰寫，得到老師回饋後，再選擇是否要加購方案，繼續得到專屬寫作回饋！ 

下一篇文章，我們會直接請老師示範，如何使用故事背景技巧，寫出看圖作文的開頭。同學記得定時收看寫作系列的文章，觀摩大量範文，也對照自己的作文，逐步內化英文作文技巧，讓自己的英文寫作更進步喔！